Monday, February 20, 2006

Day One

I'm creating this blog as part of my 101 things in 1001 days list. This will fulfill task #2 on the list, which is start a blog and make weekly entries. It's kind of like an Ouroboros. If I didn't put it on the list, then I wouldn't have to do it, but I did so I am. It's all up to me. I'm in charge. Remember that. Now, onto things not related to the list. This blog has to be about something interesting or I won't be making weekly entries. So, my first real topic would be about my new ceiling fan and how much of a bitch it was to put up.
If you've ever installed a light fixture you might have been thinking "hey, that wasn't so hard". Or That's what I said the first time I tried installing a light. So when I went to get a ceiling fan for my kitchen I figured it'd be up and running 5 minutes after I opened the box. This was not the case. Here are a few tips for putting up a ceiling fan in my house. I apologize in advance for the abundance of explitives that I will be employing in the next few paragraphs.
!. Recall that in your old house of approximatley 160 years nothing can be hung. Absolutely nothing. If you ever want to make a nail disappear. Put it up to the wall and hit once with a hammer and Presto!! It's fucking gone. Like magic! This also applies to the ceiling. except, due to gravity nails and screws just fall out on the floor while the dust from the hole goes in your fucking eye. I didn't remember any of this when I went to install the anchor for the ceiling fan into the ceiling, but I hadn't even gotten that far yet.
2. Tip #2 don't watch The Machinist while you are trying to build the fan, because you'll get so frustrated that the instructions tell you how to install the fan in 3 ways, but it actually only looks like one way because the steps just keep going on and on. You'll just think you are going crazy because The Machinist is rubbing off on you and you can't understand the simplest shittiest intructions, andI can't just wing it because I've never built anything like this piece of shit fan before so I didnt't even know where to begin. Be aware that a retarded 5-year-old drew the diagrams so they all look like a stick man standing in the field with a sun and a rainbow above him. It's madness nothing is in proportion and looks nothing like the real fan. I'm pretty sure that they don't even use the same fucking model because my fan has 5 blades and 3 lights, their "diagram" has 4 blades and no light!! What the Fuck!!
3. The Machinist ends and I'm a little disgusted by christian bale's appearance in the film. I sit down and read the instructions again. I finally realize that there are diferent ways to build the fan when I built it the first way then continue through the steps and run into the real way I wanted it. So I build it the way I want it. Now this seems easy.
4. Now I remove the old light and I look at the hole in the ceiling where it was , first of all it has to be painted because the area under the light is old yellow and the rest of the ceiling is new white and the fan won't cover the whole thing. Then I realize that the screws won't fit through the ceiling fan anchor. So I look for other screws. Then I look at the instructions because screws should have come with it. The instructions say that the screws come with the electrical box(sold seperatley). What the fuck is an electrical box, I just want some fucking screws! So I use some leftover screws that I have that fit the anchor. This is where Tip # 1 comes in. You can't fucking hang anything in my house! Four holes and four screws later I say screw this. Call my parents, no one's home. Call my brother, who is home but doesn't answer the phone, then tell him about screws and getting screwed and basically I want my dad to come and put it up. Then he says he'll tell them. Then I go to bed.
5. Next day, no call no show. My parent's are nowhere to be reached my brother doesn't know where they are. So I attempt to put the fan up again. I start with shorter screws. Now when you screw a screw in, it can never come back out or the shit that was holding it in will all get worn away and go in your eye and you'll have a useless hole. So everything must be planned and replanned and drawn up and talked about then mock attempted then actually attempted. Oh, and don't go get the power drill it doesn't do shit in a situation like this the screw will just fly away somewhere in the kitchen and you'll drop all the ten things you were trying to hold up while screwing that one screw in. I carefully screw the short screw in then the other. I slip the anchor on and I proceed to tighten each screw. The anchor is in, and not shakey at all. I pull it to see if it comes out easy, and now I am happy because it's really up there and I can connect the motor, and the actual electrical connection is easy.
6. I attempt to attach the motor to the anchor to see if it will hold, but it's really difficult to cram the 3 feet of wire they give you into the top of motor and onto the anchor. There is a lot of pushing and pulling, but I get it on. Now I take it off to actually hook up the electrical. I do that and go to connect the motor to the anchor again. Once again, lot's of pushing and pulling. The motor is half-way on then a screw pops out, then the other. FUUUUUUUUCKK!! I give up! I call home. My dad's not there cause he's at work. So I sit and think, then I try one more time.
7. I cram two plastic screw anchors into the useless holes, and they stay, although they aren't even half-way in. Then I put the screws in and they stay. Then the fan anchor and it stays. Then I connect the electrical and the motor and it stays. Then I put the fans on and the lights and it all stays and it does wobble and it works cause I tried it. Really great huh??
8. Yeh , all great except when I turn the fan on the whole ceiling vibrates and if you go upstairs above the kitchen the floor vibrates. Great! And that's how it will be forever, I think this is what an electrical box prevents, but I'm not taking it down. It looks good though.

P.S. One of the bulbs already blew.